Random Thoughts on Waking Up

I am SO GLAD that first trimester is OVER. I enjoy my pregnancies except for those first months. My word, was it bad this time around. I don't even realize just how bad until I start feeling better. My life is basically consumed with trying not to throw up and recovering from when I do. Eating is torture as nothing looks, smells, tastes, or even feels good in my mouth. This time I had this strange quirk of gagging/dry heaving randomly throughout the day, even when I was no where near food. I would be in the middle of singing to a child and have to stop to "practice throwing up", as we began to refer to it as. It didn't help that I got braces in February and my teeth have been constantly sore ever since. I really, really wanted to check into a hospital, be hooked up to an IV, and be put to sleep until it was over. Eric said no.

The funny thing was, as it is getting to be over, I feel this sensation of "waking up", as though I had been asleep since February 1st.

The thing is, I didn't start feeling really horrid until week 7. With Mari, I was in the hospital (for excessive vomiting and subsequent dehydration) at 5 weeks. And I began to feel better earlier with this one, around week 13, while other pregnancies the sickness doesn't let up until about week 15. But those 5 weeks Eric and I both agree were more intense than any of my other pregnancies.

But now I am "waking up". I am looking around and thinking, wow, that was terrible, and now we need to get things back in order around here. We had been in survival mode for a long time. It is so GOOD to be able to wake up and not throw up, to work on things other than keeping down toast, to interact with my kids when I'm not curled up on the couch. Eric said to me one night, "It is good to see you vertical and at the table with us." It felt good to be there.

So we are back "in school". The house is slowly getting back in order. Tasks that have been on hold are getting checked off. I am reading through a pile of emails that have been waiting for weeks. I can make plans with people and actually keep them.

And it all feels so GOOD.

But I look back now at those intense weeks, and while they certainly didn't feel anything near "good", there was a lot of goodness I see in them. The Lord is good to me (just like the song says), and everything He does is GOOD, including allowing all-day/all-night crazy morning sickness. Some signs of His mercy and goodness...

1. I'm pregnant! The very best sign. Yes, this sickness is terrible, terrible, terrible, but it is for a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful reason. Often when we were discouraged, we would remind each other that the cause of this affliction is a joyful one, and plenty of people were dealing with far more serious sicknesses that were not caused by such a gift. And we knew this would end, as many people deal with these hardships with no end in sight. It was hard to smile about it sometimes, but we all would remind ourselves that we were happy mama was sick because it meant something good was happening inside-life!

2. We had a wonderful house helper. We decided early on that we would need an extra hand, and God orchestrated a connection with a woman from our church that had just moved to town and was looking for temporary jobs. She is kind and helpful, our kids like her, and she very much loves Jesus. I am so thankful that God sent her so quickly.

3. The weather was mild. So even though Mama had to stay inside and lay down, the kids were able to get out a lot. That helped a lot with cooped up energy.

4. Food from friends. People were so kind to gift us with some meals that I didn't have to make or even smell!

5. My great children. They learn a lot of life skills when Mama's sick. Joshy, and Mari especially, really rose to the occasion by taking care of meals, clean-up, occupying the little ones, taking care of their own work. They even took turns putting Sophia down for nap, and she enjoyed it so much that now, even though I am able, she asks sometimes for Joshy or Mari to tuck her in.

6. And an understanding, awesome, better-than-I-deserve husband. Eric knows that during a first trimester, I'm down and out. So he willingly steps up to be Daddy, Mommy, cook, cleaner, shopper, everything. Even after working his long days, he comes home, makes dinner, cleans up, spends time with the kids, puts the kids to bed, did school with the older two and then put them to bed, then more clean-up. All while I lay on the couch or throw up in the bathroom. He even made or bought whatever food sounded remotely good to me and brought it to me wherever I happened to be laying so I wouldn't have to eat it in the kitchen. He never once suggested I do anything different, never showed bitterness about all the extra work, never complained about the extra cost when I asked for a certain food or help (like a house helper or disposable diapers for Lydia). Eric firmly believes this child, like all the others, is a gift from the Lord, and he knows this trial is part of the blessing. He would want me to add that he is not perfect and had his share of "I am so overwhelmed!" moments, but seriously, he is amazing.

7. My Lord, an ever present help in times of trouble. We memorized Psalm 103 during these weeks. It was such a lifeline to be able to have Scripture in my mind and heart as reading made me sick. There were times I didn't know how I was going to make it through the next ten minutes let alone the whole day. I cried many nights. I felt the weight of guilt for not being able to be the wife and mother I felt I ought to be, that Eric and the children should have. It was a time that I look back on and know only Jesus got me through. Worse than the physical sickness was the spiritual darkness I felt as every day, every hour was a struggle to care for myself and my children, my home and my husband. I was sitting in church one morning and felt God remind me that I am limited, and that's ok because He is limitless! It is hard to admit that there was much I just couldn't do. I just couldn't. I was limited. I still am, and always was and will be. But it was felt so much more acutely when I had to ask my children to get me water because my head was spinning so much I couldn't open my eyes, when I had to crawl to the bathroom because I knew as soon as I stood up, I would throw up. I am thankful and humbled for all the prayers on our behalf. Truly, we got through but for the grace of God.


But mostly I am thankful that it is OVER. I am glad to be "awake" so we can move on to the fun part of pregnancy...getting to feel the baby move!