Slowly Sinking In

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
³ For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Isaiah 43:1b-3

It's been over two months since we found out about Ruthie's heart problem.  In those two months, we have had an intense season of upheaval, crisis, and stress:
-the entire family got the stomach flu at the same time 
-we traveled up north for hunting
-Eric went to China for a week for work
-the kitchen repaired was from last summer's water damage, which meant we had to move out while they did the repairs

-the basement was repaired from the same damages, and while we were able to be in the house, the entire basement and mid-level were turned upside down
-the kitchen floors were damaged shortly after they were repaired by ANOTHER water leak
-the kitchen was repaired AGAIN and we had to move out AGAIN
-Christmas, and all it's demands, expectations, and travel
-and all the while, since the repairs began, our house has been completely in chaos, both from the necessity of clearing out the work areas (twice) and also from the workers clearing out other areas they needed to use but did not warn us ahead of time. 

Much more could be said about that trying time in our family's life.  Now, however, things seem to be settling down.  Yes, Eric is in China again.  Yes, there are still boxes and bins full of stuff to put away. But it seems like we are in a rebuilding phase, and for that I am grateful.  

But now that the dust is settling and the air is clearing, the things that got pushed aside are now resurfacing. Foremost on my mind is Ruthie Joy.  The reality of her heart is slowly sinking in.  My baby has a heart problem.  I hate that truth.  I want so much for her to be healthy and whole, something I pray for my babies long before they are born.  I will never forget that horrid moment when the cardiologist came in and said in such a matter-of-fact way, "What we are dealing with is complete heart block..."  

My baby has a heart problem.  Every day I wonder how she is really feeling.  I wonder if she is tired or dizzy.  I wonder if she will wake up from her nap.  I wonder if there is something else going on that I can't discern; after all, she had heart block for months and I couldn't tell, I didn't know.  I wonder if the reason she is not eating well is because of her heart.  I wonder if the reason she is not sleeping well is because of her heart.  I wonder if the reason she is so clingy is because of her heart.

The other night I was relaying Ruthie's disdain for food to my husband and my concern that she is so skinny, and he replied, "Well, it (the thinness) could be because she has a heart problem..."  

That knocked the wind out of me.

My baby has a heart problem.  It's slowly sinking in.  God can heal her, I know He can and I pray He will (will you pray that, too, please??).  But I also know that major heart surgery is a very real possibility for her future.  It could be this year.  It could be in ten years.  

There's so much to be said about God's sovereignty in this situation, about His love for us, about His direction and purpose of our suffering.  And there's much to be said about the physical and temporary versus the spiritual and eternal.  I know.  And it goes over and over in my head.  But for now, as life is (thankfully and seemingly) slowing down, it's all just sinking in.  And as it sinks in, I cling to the truth that I am not alone and I will not drown.

My baby has a heart problem.  BUT GOD...